A Quiet Night at the Library

If there is anything more useless than keeping a small public library open on a pleasant Friday evening in mid-June, I don't know what it is. Giving perfume to a hog would be more useful, with apologies to Tolstoy. The only other staff left in the building by 5:15 were the two circulation clerks, Tiziano and LaWanda. Our teenage page had failed to appear, again.

Around 6:00 PM, we had a little excitement. Two elderly gentlemen both wanted to read the New York Daily News at the same time and decided to settle the question by dueling with the newspaper rods. Anyone who has been hit with one of those slatted rods knows they have quite a sting, so I called the police to break it up. While we waited, LaWanda and Tizzy started betting on the outcome. One of the cops got walloped, so both gentlemen were removed to the station house in handcuffs and LaWanda won a Sky Bar from Tizzy. I filled out an Unusual Occurrences Report form although this occurrence isn't all that unusual.

Then at 7:00 PM we had Mrs. Wright in on her usual Friday evening quest to clean up the library collection and make it "fit for decent Christian people". Tonight, the target of her indignation was Fahrenheit 451. It was "derogatory about censorship and could encourage teenagers to read books without permission". I filled out the Book Removal Request with the usual hollow assurances about appropriate action being taken. Then she checked out her usual quota of smutty bodice rippers and left in a cloud of virtue and Femme de Rochas.

By 8:15 Tizzy was working off his nervous energy shelving books and LaWanda was almost through filing the day's circulation. I was tired of reading book reviews and marking down possible purchases for the collection. Some nights I wish I had joined the Roller Derby like my sister.

There was a sudden crash as someone slammed through the main doors. I heard LaWanda call out, "No running in the library!" Then a slender blond man streaked past my desk. Streaked was the apt term because he was stark naked. Well, naked except for the handcuffs pinioning his hands behind his back.

He stopped and looked around. "Please where can I hide? They can't get the information I have." Another looney. I was already reaching for the phone when the doors slammed open again. On impulse, I said, "Under my desk. Stay still and don't make a sound."

He was no sooner squashed under the desk than two large men in blue uniforms ran in. They also ignored LaWanda's shout of, "No running in the library!" Waving guns around they started demanding to know where "he" was.

I informed them, "Gentlemen, it is prohibited to bring guns into the library. See the sign behind you."

"Can it! Where'd the naked guy go?"

"Which one?"

"Waddya mean which one? How many naked guys you get here?"

"This week? I think it was two."

Tizzy chipped in with "No, it was three. Remember the one in the biography section?"

"He wasn't technically naked, just a flasher", LaWanda corrected.

The large men were getting restive with this esoteric debate on library terminology. "A naked guy just ran in here. You better cooperate because we're cops. We can arrest you for obfustillation of justice."

These men weren't dressed like NYPD officers. The uniforms were close, but the emblems were white ovals with little black birds. The guns were automatics with silencers, not revolvers. Nope, I didn't know who they were, but they weren't police. I was glad I had hidden the little blond guy.

From the corner of my eye, I saw LaWanda disappearing under the circulation counter with the telephone.

Meanwhile, I needed to prevent them from finding their quarry. "I did see a flash of white near the foreign language books". "Show us!" There was a little tug on my skirt and the blond was shaking his head and mouthing "Too dangerous." I ignored him and led the way back into the depths of the stacks. They wouldn't see the police come in from back there and the stacks are pretty dark. They would take some time to search.

I took them on a meandering tour and they started to get impatient. I was trying to think of a way to stall longer, when I heard some all-too-familiar noises coming from an area way in the back.

"Did you hear that?" I asked as innocently as any nun in a convent.

Of course, it was only Lewd Larry "enjoying" a Life photo story about Sofia Loren. The fake police charged into the aisle, Larry was startled, spun in their direction at a crucial moment, and there was much shouting and swearing. Lewd Larry ran out of the library without even zipping up.

One lout was busy wiping his eyes and cursing. The other grabbed my arm roughly and threatened me for not cooperating. I was forced to point out their behavior was unacceptable and if they didn't stop it immediately, I would have to ask them to leave the library.

The idiots had completely ignored the rest of the staff. By now, Tizzy was moving quietly in our direction with a heavily loaded shelving cart and LaWanda was just peeking around the card file with one of the drawers in her hands. LaWanda gave me a wink and then threw the card drawer as far as she could in the direction of the main doors. It made a highly satisfying racket and lout #1 swiveled around to fire at the sound. I grabbed a book with both hands and bashed him on the head. He grunted and dropped the gun.

Before lout #2 had recovered enough from the Larry incident to see straight, Tizzy gave the shelving cart an almighty shove and rammed him with it. One hundred pounds of books with some speed behind it can do a fair amount of damage, so I guess the screaming was warranted.

I was on the floor scrambling for the first ruffian's gun. Then I had the gun and it went off, shattering the overhead light. I tried to look like I had done it on purpose and yelled, "Freeze!" just like in every police procedural I'd ever read. Right on cue the doors banged open again and the police charged to the rescue.

In no time the criminals were disarmed and handcuffed, charged with assault with a deadly weapon, assault with menaces, damaging library property (the light), impersonating police officers, creating a disturbance in a public place, defiant trespass, and various firearms offences.

While giving me the numbers for the arrest reports, Pete, the cute unmarried officer, asked me for a date on Saturday: dinner at the new Benihana, and the movie The Great Escape. Things were looking up for me.

LaWanda and Tizzy locked up and left while I pulled out yet another Unusual Occurrences Report to cover this latest incident. Two Unusual Occurrences, both involving the police, plus the censorship request. Another routine, boring Friday night with not a single reference question to justify my existence.

As I pulled out my chair, I saw the naked blond guy still crouched under there. He rolled out and got to his feet all in one motion. He had somehow managed to move his hands from behind him to in front.

He thanked me for my help with a slightly foreign accent: upper class British with a hint of something more exotic. He also asked if I had a hairpin so he could get out of the handcuffs.

I insisted on picking the locks for him. My younger brother is prop maker to a professional magician and a huge fan of Houdini. He had taught me how to pick simple locks like handcuffs so I was happy to have a practical application. Knowledge is never wasted.

His first move on getting his hands free was to grab my Kirkus Review and use it as a fig leaf. His second was to reach for the phone and dial a number one handed. Twenty minutes later, a handsome dark-haired man carrying a small suitcase knocked on the door. The cute blond modestly retired to the biography stacks to dress, leaving his friend to flirt with me.

He was extremely good at flirting and I almost agreed to dinner at the 21 Club on Saturday, but remembered my date with Officer Pete in time. Pete is a good, decent guy with a steady job. "Charm and looks don't pay the rent" as Mum used to say.

Then the blond and his friend left and I was finally able to lock up and go home to a nice cup of tea and my current book: From Russia with Love. Reading about adventure and danger is such a wonderful change from my own dull humdrum life.

Notes: Newspaper rod dueling is not that uncommon. I've seen three incidents and been told of others.

The Fahrenheit 451 incident is a popular, but unsubstantiated, story in library circles. The book has been challenged many times on the usual grounds of bad language, sexual, disrespect for authority, etc.

Lewd Larry is not an unusual type of character to find in public libraries. Some patrons see the library as a place for sexual gratification rather than intellectual gratification.

Sadly, the naked guy in handcuffs was not a gorgeous blond and the police officers chasing him were real police who recaptured him without our help. The circulation staff did yell "No running in the library!" at both the naked guy and his police pursuers.

Please post a comment on this story.
Read posted comments.