On the Couch
by Charlie Kirby

"Mr. Solo? The doctor will see you now."

"Thanks, Maggie, and I'll pick you up at eight."

"I didn't say yes, Napoleon."

"You will."

"Dreamer, and keep your hands to yourself. He's all yours, Doctor."

"You keep it awfully dark in here, Doc."

"My air conditioner is malfunctioning and the darker it is, the cooler it seems. You'll get use to it in a moment. If you will take a seat on the couch please and try to relax?"

"Certainly, you're the doc, Doc."

"Do you know why you're here, Mr. Solo?"

"Ah, not really, but I imagine you'll tell me."

"Mr. Solo... Napoleon...

"It must be bad if we're progressing to first names."

"No, it's just very rare that I get someone on my couch who thinks he's Napoleon and really is."

"A shrink with a sense of humor, just what the psychiatric world was missing. I really am on a tight schedule, Doc, what with... ah... saving the world and... all."

"Mr. Solo, I'm over here, so kindly refrain from ogling my nurse. Miss Duprey, would you please turn on the radio and excuse us?"

"Yes, Doctor."

"Sorry, Doc, habit."

"When was the last time you slept, Mr. Solo?"

"What?"

"Sleeping, Mr. Solo, it's something we all tend to do for a large portion of our lives... except it would seem for you, as of late, and a few other unfortunate insomniacs."

"Did Illya put you up to this?"

"The last I knew, Mr. Kuryakin was still restricted to Medical. Why would he do that?"

"Why wouldn't he? Just because I can't drop off in mid step the way he can, it doesn't mean I have a problem. He's the one you should be talking to, not me."

"But I am talking to you at the moment, Mr. Solo. Why are you having trouble sleeping?"

"I'm not..."

"You just admitted that you are."

"You're sneaky."

"I'm a doctor, it's what I do. Talk to me, Napoleon. You know whatever you say to me is in confidence. Why can't you sleep?"

"Who has the time?"

"Everyone."

"Not me. There is too much to do. THRUSH doesn't stop just because they're tired. They just keep pounding away. They don't stop, so neither do I."

"Tell me about your last assignment."

"Need to know, Doc, and you don't need to."

"General details then, nothing classified. How long was it?"

"A few weeks... a couple of days, they all bleed together after awhile. What does it matter? We stayed until the job was done."

"Was Mr. Kuryakin with you?"

"Ah...no, then yes, then no, then yes, no, and finally yes."

"You're very glib, Mr. Solo."

"It's another of my endearing traits, besides not sleeping. Is that Vivaldi?"

"I believe so. I find that classical music is much easier on the ears than what otherwise passes for music these days."

"Your mouth to God's ear, but don't tell Illya I said that."

"Was the affair concluded to your satisfaction?"

"We both came back alive, so I'd say. yes."

"Why are you keep trying to look at your watch, Mr. Solo? It's too dark to see it."

"Told you, Doc, places to be."

"I think the mighty machine can grind its own wheel sfor a few moments more."

"I'll let Mr. Waverly know that you think him a mighty machine."

"And you don't? So, again, no specific details, describe your assignment. And stop sighing like that. You'll throw your back out."

"I went in posing as a banker. Illya was set to do a little second story work."

"Meaning?"

"B and E."

"Meaning?"

"Breaking and entering. I was going to cause a distraction long enough for him to crack the safe and photograph THRUSH's newest code book."

"What happened?"

"I got... distracted instead."

"And your partner?"

"Achieved his part of the mission, but then got captured exiting, but happily they thought was entering instead and they never found the film canister."

"How...?"

"There are some things better left not discussed, Doc."

"Understood. But you rescued him?"

"Mozart never gets old, does he? Do you know he started composing at the age of five and at the time of his death, thirty years later, he'd composed over six hundred pieces?"

"You rescued him, didn't you, Napoleon?"

"Illya's sort of self rescuing at times. I like that in a partner."

"Napoleon, stop..."

"What?"

"Double talking. What happened?"

"I fell asleep."

"After being distracted?"

"Yes, unfortunately, that happens sometimes."

"And Mr. Kuryakin?"

"Had some not so nice men playing with him for almost too long."

"And then you started having trouble sleeping?"

"No... yes..."

"You agents have barricades in place for this sort of thing, don't you?"

"You mean, after someone hands you a bloody lump and says, "Enjoy your partner, we did," or what? Yes, we have barricades, for all the good they do."

"So you blame yourself for your partner being captured and tortured and now you feel if you don't sleep, he'll be safe."

"That's not a question, Doc."

"You're right, it's not. What made this time different?"

"Nothing, that's the problem..."

"I thought you said there were no problems and stop fiddling with your cufflinks. I'm not going to let you blow a hole in my wall and escape. Was Mr. Kuryakin angry with you?"

"No, that's the problem."

"Why is that a problem? Ah, he won't give you the punishment you feel you deserve, so you are metering it out yourself instead."

"You didn't see him. You weren't there."

"But you were and you saved him."

"From something that never should have happened in the first place. Why is that so hard for you to understand?"

"If you had been there, my friend, you would have been captured along with me and it would have been much worse."

"Just between us, huh, Doc? How long you been here, Illya?"

"The nurse brought me in."

"That's what the music was for? So I wouldn't hear you coming in?"

"No, the music is on because I like listening to music, Mr. Solo."

"I know what you are thinking, but you aren't being railroaded, Napoleon. You need to sleep."

"No."

"Yes, don't be stupid. This was not the first, nor will it be the last time I am captured by THRUSH. This is part of the job."

"And an agent watches out for his partner or did you happen to forget that part?"

"I triggered a hidden alarm, one I missed coming in. Had our plan gone perfectly, it would not have ended any differently. Stop blaming yourself."

"Then who was to blame, Illya? You?"

"Yes, I should have realized there would be a secondary motion sensor by the window. We achieved our goal and we both returned."

"You very nearly didn't. It was too close this time."

"I thought you told me close only counted in horseshoes. I am here, I am alive. For how long, neither of us knows. However, if you do not start sleeping, I do know the next time I go out, it will be either alone or with another partner. You have pushed Waverly to his limit with this, my friend."

"Listen to your partner, Mr. Solo."

"I can't..."

"You must... don't make Waverly pull you, Napoleon. It's no fun without you."

"This is fun?"

"Albeit twisted, perhaps masochist fun, but would you rather the alternative?"

"No."

"Take your partner back to Medical, Mr. Solo. I think you'll find there's a bed all made up and waiting for you."

"What if I can't... sleep?"

"I'll sing you a Russian lullaby."

"It'll sooth me to sleep?"

"No, you'll sleep out of self defense. And don't take the corners too fast."

"Don't backseat wheelchair drive."

"Will they be okay, Doctor?"

"Agents are notorious survivors and I'd like to think those two could teach the rest how it's done. Oh, and if I were you, I wouldn't be expecting Mr. Solo tonight. I think he's got another date."

"With who?"

"Mr. Sandman. Who's next, Miss Duprey?"